AUTHOR: Lady Raven
DISCLAIMER: The Buffyverse and all it's characters belong to Joss Whedon. See Author's notes. The lyrics quoted (including the title) belong to the Eurogliders (Grace Knight and some guy, I think). I've also borrowed a part from "Revisionist History 6-Blood and Bone" by Lex-many thanks!
SPOILERS: Up to Lover's Walk.
SUMMARY: After 'Lover's Walk', Buffy has a talk with Faith, and comes to a decision.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I haven't actually seen 'Lover's Walk' yet, I'm basing this on what other people have told me. Ditto my characterization of Faith. However, as Chief of the Armory and a loyal member of the JMB, I think it's my duty to go work on the catalogue for the Armory some more.
"Some days are cool, and some guys are cruel
Sometimes you've really got to choose what's good for you"
'Groove', The Eurogliders
"Tell me you don't love me."
The words lay between them, tangible in the still air.
She stood before him, amazingly calm for someone who was ripping out her own heart. And still he stared, unable to speak, to lie even for her sake. Buffy was right; they could lie to everyone except themselves. He loved her, and she loved him, and nothing would ever change that.
Angel stepped towards her, cold heart aching in his chest, desperate to envelope her in his arms, desperate to silence the words still lingering there. He died a bit more when she backed up a step, body tense, ready to flee like a cornered doe. With one more heartwrenching look, she turned and fled, tears finally tracing a silvered path down her cheeks.
He was left standing the in the hollow room, arms empty, soul throbbing with an agony so intense he didn't know if he could bear to go on for another second.
And then he threw back his head and howled until his throat was raw.
*
Buffy left the mansion running, her mind in chaos, her body trembling from the sobs she forcibly held back, his howls of pain echoing through her. She was so lost in the agony tearing her apart that she didn't even see the dark figure she ran into, until hands reached out to steady her. She tried to rip herself away but the hands kept their grip, the strength remarkable for their slenderness.
That strength was what made Buffy look at her captors' face.
"Jesus, B, what the hell happened to you?"
Buffy took one look at her fellow Slayer and the dam burst.
*
Faith was concerned by the expression on Buffy's face; she'd never seen her look this tortured. Then Buffy burst into tears, and Faith went from concerned to downright alarmed. For as long as Faith had known her, Buffy had been invincible. Now she was crying like a heartbroken child. Faith put an arm around her tentatively; getting even more concerned when Buffy simply put her head on Faith's shoulder and cried harder.
Faith led her into her room, locking the door behind her. She steered Buffy to sit on the bed before she went into the bathroom, coming out with a glass of water and a wet washcloth.
Buffy took the glass of water and sipped, her sobs slowly calming down, but the now-silent tears streamed down her face unceasingly. For a second, she seemed to rouse and asked, "How did I get here?"
"You ran smack into me in the parking lot."
"I don't even remember running into town..." Buffy trailed off, and started to sob again. Faith realized that this was even more serious than she thought.
"Hey, calm down, you'll make yourself sick. Talk to me, tell me what's wrong. Pain shared is pain halved. At least, that's what my mother used to say." Buffy gave her a doubtful look, and Faith admitted "Okay, so I got it out of a fortune cookie. It's still true, right?"
Buffy gave a choked giggle, and Faith heaved a silent sigh of relief. They were getting somewhere, at least. "Buffy, tell me what happened."
Buffy turned to face her, and Faith suppressed a shudder at the pain in her eyes. "Angel and I aren't going to see each other any more."
"Why is that?"
"Believe it or not, it was Spike." Buffy smiled bitterly, then gave a short, ironic laugh that brought images of shattered glass to mind.
"Okay, needing some clarification in a bad way here..." Faith remarked, her mind coming up with some truly twisted ideas.
"It's something he said about Angel and me. 'You'll never be friends. You'll be in love 'till it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other 'till it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends.' He was right."
"So what's wrong with that?"
"Faith! Don't you get it? Angel doesn't need me anymore, so the only reason for me to see him is because he's my friend, or...because we're more than friends."
"So why can't you be more than friends?" Faith asked, not sure where Buffy was coming from.
Buffy looked at her incredulously and asked, "Do you know what happened before? What he did to the others?"
"Willow gave me the details. From what I could tell though, it wasn't actually him. And from what my first Watcher told me about Hell, I'd say that either way, he's paid his debt to society."
"It would cause so much trouble if Angel and I were together. Mom's scared enough about the Slayer thing, but with me dating a vampire...Xander would never understand, and Giles...he'd be so hurt. His Slayer being the lover of the vamp who killed his girlfriend."
Faith noticed the phrasing, and stopped from raising her eyebrows with a maximum of effort. < So, getting physical is being taken for granted here? > She brought her mind back to the subject and took a deep breath, sorting out her thoughts before she spoke.
"I think that it would work out, B. Your Mom...well, with all she has to cope with, what's one more thing? I mean, the fact you've got added protection against all the vamps could be a plus. With Angel by your side, you've got a much better chance of retirement than the rest of us. Besides, this guy's so hung up on you that he killed his sire to protect you. I think she might like that. Xander? I say fuck him," Faith snorted. She wasn't fond of Xander right now, after he tried to make her into his personal hit squad.
"No thanks" Buffy replied instantly.
The two Slayers shared a grin-one approving, one watery-before Faith continued "Disgusting images aside, if Xander's really your friend, he should support you. I mean, his romantic choices aren't exactly made with his head, are they? At least you're making yours with your heart. As for Giles...well, I really think he'll be okay with it."
"Faith, I don't know about that."
"Giles loves you" Faith said firmly. "Anyone close to you guys can see that. As long as he doesn't catch the two of you making out on the library tables or anything, I think he'd want you to be happy, more than anything else.
"Look, B, let's face it. Chicks like us...we don't have very long lifetimes. We have to take what we can get, 'cause we probably won't get another chance at it. From what Willow and Giles have told me, you and Angel have something that people spend their whole lives looking for. Like the song goes, 'sometimes you've really got to choose what's good for you'. Sometimes, you've just got to do whatever makes you happy, and to hell with everyone else. Sometimes, you have to put yourself first when you're dealing with your heart, 'cause in the end that's all that you got."
Buffy looked at her oddly at the last sentence, and said "Y'know, someone else told me something a little like that once."
"So, what are you going to do?" Faith asked.
Buffy buried her face in the washcloth for a few seconds. She was thinking so hard that Faith could almost hear it. She lifted her face, stood with a determined expression, and told Faith "I'm going to tell Angel that I love him. I'm going to tell him that wherever my road may lead, I want him to walk it beside me."
Faith grinned. "Go get him, B."
Buffy headed for the door. She paused in the open door and gave Faith a radiant smile, and told her "I owe you one, F."
* * * * *
Angel curled into a ball on his bed, rocking back and forth, trying to stop crying and not succeeding. The only thing echoing in his head was the fact that Buffy was gone.
The one thing that made his unlife worth existing had run out the door when faced with him and his love. The one person who he thought would always understand... hadn't. Now there was nothing left for him. His true lover, his best friend, his only confidante and confessor had rejected him.
Angel had returned from Hell, only to find himself in another version of it. He had been burned until his flesh blackened and peeled away from his bones a dozen times, but it was nothing compared to this. Once again, his life was a nightmare. What was left for him in this world, now that Buffy was gone?
He didn't hear the soft footsteps, didn't even hear the heartbeat he would know anywhere, until her soft fingers touched his shoulder. He looked up, blood-tinged tears streaming down his face, and saw the woman he loved.
He didn't know why she was here, but he didn't care. Just that she was with him, now. He couldn't hurt any worse, and if she had returned because she regretted what had happened...
Buffy sat down beside him on the mattress, and Angel sat up. She gently wiped the tears away, then asked him solemnly "Do you really think that we can make this work?"
Angel's soul soared at the possibility her words offered, and he considered the question carefully-actually, he'd considered it several times since his return from Hell.
He ached to pull her into his arms, but settled for cradling her head in his hands. He looked into her eyes, trying to use the intensity of his gaze to persuade her. He needed her, and if they weren't together then he didn't have anything. "We did before. I know things are a lot different now, but if we did it once, we can do it again. The way we love each other, I don't think we have any choice, unless we want to be miserable. You may not believe this, but after my being in Hell, I don't actually want to be miserable anymore."
Buffy giggled slightly, and slid her arms around his neck. "Angel, I-"
Angel laid a finger on her lips and asked quietly "Let me say it first, this time. Buffy, I love you."
Buffy smiled and replied "I love you."
Their lips met in a soul-searing kiss, and Buffy only broke away reluctantly, gasping for air. "What made you change your mind?" Angel asked.
Buffy gave him a loving, slightly mischievous smile and said, "Like a wise woman told me once, sometimes you've just got to do whatever makes you happy, and to hell with anyone else."
Happiness...Angel remembered the last time that he'd been happy. He wouldn't exchange the memories of that night for anything, even losing the memories of his time in hell. More than that, he wanted to make Buffy happy. He wanted to do what he had planned when he fell asleep beside Buffy, the night of her birthday.
Angel cradled Buffy's face in one of his hands, and traced across her lips with his thumb. Buffy's lips parted and she closed her eyes in reaction, focussing on his touch. It gave Angel the courage to say tentatively, "Willow stopped by the other day. She wanted me to know that there's no loophole in my curse, this time around. Apparently, Jenny found and translated the original version of the curse. The actual spell was invented by another tribe, the happiness clause was added by Clan Kalderesh just for me."
Buffy traced along his lips with the tip of one finger, then asked in a low, sexy voice "You said you don't want to be miserable. Does that mean you want me to make you happy?"
Angel suddenly realized that he'd never told her, never given her this. "It wasn't the sex that made me happy. It was knowing how much you loved me, how much you trusted me. No one's had faith in me like you did for centuries. No one's ever loved me like you."
Buffy smiled and replied "The trust and faith...that's come back. The love...that never stopped."
Angel smiled in gratitude and love, and kissed her. He slid his tongue into her mouth, and Buffy sucked on it, turning up the heat on his arousal. Angel slid his arms around her waist, before Buffy broke off the kiss.
"What's wrong?" Angel asked. "Don't you want this?"
"Yes!" Buffy licked her lips nervously. "It's just that...well, the first time was wonderful for me, but...I want you to enjoy this."
Angel almost laughed, but realized that this was serious for her. Deciding that direct action would work best for this, he took one of her hands in his and placed it on the straining fly of his pants, letting her feel his hardness.
"Does * that * feel like I'm not enjoying this?" he semi-growled at her.
Buffy gasped and her hand tightened, making him groan. Angel reined in the urge to just rip her clothes off, flip her over and take her with an effort and told her, "Making love with you was the best memory of my entire life. It was wonderful, magical...not to mention fucking amazing. More than almost anything else, I wish that I had been able to tell you that."
"Oh, Angel..." Buffy murmured. He could tell by the tone of her voice that she was almost melting. "I really needed to hear that."
"I could always tell you some more" Angel said. "But, I'd rather show you," he added in a whisper, leaning to brush her earlobe with his lips.
"Why can't you do both?" Buffy asked breathlessly.
"Because this time is for you" Angel replied. "You're the one in control. Anything you want to do to me, you can."
"Anything?"
Angel could tell by the tone of her voice that Buffy was intrigued and more than a little tempted, and he let his smile come. Especially since he could smell that she was starting to become aroused. "I'm all yours. I have been from the first night I saw you. Now you can do what you wish."
Buffy bit her lip, then smiled. "All mine, huh? You know, don't you, that I belong to you every bit as much as you belong to me?"
Angel brushed a strand of hair away from her cheek, and smiled. His voice was soft as he replied "I guessed. But I'm so happy to hear you say it."
Buffy slowly pulled Angel's dark brown sweater over his head, and Angel lifted his arms to help her. She then slipped her own unbuttoned sweater off her shoulders, leaving it on the floor next to his. Buffy leaned forward and kissed his throat, in the hollow of his collarbone. Angel gasped and reached up to hold her head in his hands. The sensation of her breath and her warm, wet, mouth on his skin was driving him crazy.
Buffy pushed him onto his back, then sat up. She raked her nails over his nipples, and they hardened at her touch. She rubbed them, and Angel moaned. She trailed her hands along his bare chest and stomach. Going lower, lower...when her little fingers reached the waistband of his trousers, Angel moaned and his hips moved upwards, just a little.
Angel saw Buffy's eyes follow the movement, and she asked, "Do you want me to touch you?"
"Yes" Angel murmured, almost speechless with need.
Buffy kicked off her shoes and moved so she was sitting on Angel's legs just above the knees. Just like he'd shown her, she gently grasped him through the material, rubbing and stroking. Angel threw back his head and let out a deep, rumbling growl, and the scent of Buffy's arousal grew stronger. He knew that his growling turned her on, though he wasn't sure why, and it was partly for her, partly an involuntary reaction of pleasure.
His hips started to thrust up at her more insistently. He tried to cool down his reaction to her ministrations, but couldn't help himself. It was taking all of his control to let her take things at her own pace. He felt Buffy busily undoing the button and zip of his trousers and growled again, more fiercely. His growl evidently had a similar effect on her, judging by her scent.
He kept his eyes closed as Buffy dragged off his pants over his bare feet. He felt her trace along the waistband of his black boxers, and opened his eyes, propping himself up slightly on his elbows. He had to watch her, whatever she did.
Buffy stroked him through his boxers, making him growl again. She looked up at him and smiled as she asked "You * really * like this, don't you?"
Angel arched an eyebrow and asked, "Are you saying you can't tell?"
Buffy giggled and shook her head, before bending her head to kiss his stomach. Angel growled again at the feeling of her breath on his skin, almost soundlessly this time, knowing she could feel it. She kissed him through the thin fabric, and Angel froze, every muscle screaming in anticipation. Buffy paused, and Angel couldn't speak, he was so tense, only gulping in air he didn't need.
Buffy gave him a rueful smile, shrugged sheepishly and asked, "Next time, okay?"
Angel let out the breath that he hadn't realized he'd been holding, and smiled back. "Whatever you want." He really didn't mind; it just left something to look forward to later. "But, does this mean I get to undress you?"
Buffy sat up again and held out her arms. Angel sat up fully and slid into her embrace, wrapping his arms around her. He rested his head on her shoulder and kissed her throat. Buffy gave a tiny moan and hugged him tighter.
Angel broke away just far enough to draw her maroon tank top over her head and dropped it on the floor, then kissed the skin between her breasts as he reached around her and undid her bra. His lips slid up towards her throat as he slid it off and dropped it to join the growing pile of clothing next to the bed.
Angel drew back to gaze at his lover, and watched in fascination as Buffy blushed, going pink all the way to her breasts. He leaned forward and tenderly kissed the tip of each breast, and felt the temperature of her skin rise. He used the tip of his tongue to draw a circle around her nipple, then drew it between his teeth gently and then sucked the entire nipple in his mouth. He moved to the other breast and repeated the action, and Buffy moaned his name and held his head to her breasts.
Angel lifted his head and smiled, as he sent his hands skimming down her body, to undo her pants and draw them off. As his hands reached her hips, he felt her underwear and took them at the same time.
Buffy wriggled her hips to help him, and Angel used one hand to take off her garments as he slid the other between her legs. As he slid two fingers inside her, Buffy grabbed his shoulders and moaned. When he rubbed her clit with his thumb, she dug her nails into his shoulders, and gave a tiny shriek. "No, Angel!"
Angel knew his puzzlement showed in his voice as he asked "What's wrong, didn't you like that?"
"God yes," Buffy told him breathlessly. "But I don't want to come yet, I want to come with you inside me."
Angel couldn't speak, he just buried his face in her neck and growled as he pressed his body against hers, letting her know without words how she made him feel.
After the last of her clothes had joined the pile, Buffy pushed him onto his back again. Angel put his hands back on her hips as she resumed her position over his legs and held her still while he gazed at her naked body.
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph, you're beautiful," he said, awestruck. He was vaguely aware of the surprise in her eyes. He never used religious-type swear words. The only time he'd said anything similar was when they had made love previously. "I never really got to see you before."
Buffy blushed again and asked, "I take it you like the view, then?"
Angel smiled lovingly and replied, "The best I've ever seen."
He watched in fascination at the way Buffy's breasts moved as she took a deep breath, and she asked, "So, do I get to see, too?"
Angel chuckled, his desire increasing again, and lifted his hips to help her as she gingerly took off his boxers. He couldn't help smiling as Buffy looked at him. He could see the admiration in her eyes. It was nice to be appreciated by your lover. He'd always known he had the type of good looks that women liked; they'd told him so even when he was human, and Darla in particular had been very vocal on the subject. But this time, it was Buffy, the woman who had held his soul from the first night he'd seen her.
He let out a long, low growl as Buffy gently sent her hands gliding over his erection, exploring the shape and the feel of it. She looked into his eyes and asked doubtfully "Was it...I mean, were you always this big?"
Not trusting his voice not to laugh-she'd get the wrong idea and her feelings would be hurt-Angel simply nodded.
"How did this ever fit inside me?" Buffy asked, in a tone of
wonderment.
"Why don't I show you?" Angel asked, in a tone between a murmur and a growl.
Buffy lifted her head, and he could see desire in her eyes that matched his own as she replied "Why don't you?"
Angel realized that they both knew that the time for playing was over, and drew Buffy into his arms as he slowly rolled them so Buffy was on her back with him atop her. Buffy lifted her legs and wrapped them around his hips, and Angel said, "I love you" as he slid inside her.
As he felt himself sink into her molten core, Angel let out a moan of pleasure, from seeing the desire and pleasure that shone from Buffy's eyes, and the sensation of being complete, of being home.
Buffy screamed his name and her center spasmed around him as she came. She panted as she looked into his eyes and gasped, "I love you."
Angel knew that their passion was too intense for this to last long; he groaned and buried his face between her breasts as his control snapped and his face changed. It was an erotic experience, feeling her warm skin against his face as it shifted. He could feel Buffy writhing beneath him and knew it was the same for her.
He lifted his head, and Buffy grabbed his face in her hands and kissed him deeply, thrusting her tongue in his mouth with the same rhythm that he thrust his erection into her core. As his speed increased, becoming frantic, Angel tore his lips from hers, threw back his head and roared, then sank his fangs into Buffy's throat, coming hard.
He only took a mouthful-that was all he needed-but he could swear that he could taste each individual drop, different but no less wonderful than the last. Angel was so lost in the taste of her blood-savoring the love, passion and power that it carried-that he was only vaguely aware of Buffy's body stiffening and her sex clenching his as she climaxed again.
As he shifted his face back to human, letting his fangs retract from her flesh as they shrank, he started to withdraw his body from hers. Buffy whimpered and tightened her arms and legs around him, keeping him close and inside her.
Angel was about several seconds from falling asleep, and knew that if he did in this position, Buffy would wake up feeling like her legs had been amputated at the hips. With an effort, he rolled onto his back, first unlocking Buffy's legs so he wouldn't crush them beneath him. He waited for a protest, but didn't get one. He realized with a drowsy silent chuckle that his lover had already fallen asleep.
Angel knew that if he stayed joined with her like this, he'd become hard again fairly soon, but they could deal with that when they woke up. Angel closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep with Buffy in his arms, knowing that things were right between the two of them once more.
THE END
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