AUTHOR: Lynx
EMAIL: lyment@prodigy.net
RATING: R
SUMMARY: Buffy POV before Becoming
DISCLAIMER: Joss owns 'em, just borrowing. Lyrics to Ice belong to Sarah McLachlan
NOTES: Companion piece to Chains. Another songfic-Buffy-style.
She knows he's there. She can feel him, out in the darkness. Her body stiffens imperceptibly, like a predator scenting its prey. It takes all of her willpower not to betray this knowledge. Ever since Angelus came back, she has trained herself to show nothing. Not in her face, and not in her body language. With Angel, she was a raw nerve, every emotion on the surface for him to see. Her eyes always softened when she looked at him, her feet moving of their own accord to bring her closer. She can't afford any hint of weakness now. He thinks she is completely unaware of him. As if that could ever be true.
She has always been able to sense his presence, even before they met. It's as if the wind carries his essence to her, an intoxicating perfume for her alone. It has always baffled her; how someone supposedly dead could smell so good. She wishes that the return of Angelus had brought with it an odor of corruption, but she isn't that fortunate. His scent is still sweet, still spellbinding. It takes her over and it is only through superhuman strength that she is able to resist. Xander thinks that her feelings for Angel are a schoolgirl crush. He has no idea how strong their bond really is. She knows that some part of Xander still hopes for more than friendship from her. She can't even imagine that there will ever be anyone else for her but Angel. She hopes Cordelia will help Xander to move on. He is becoming a distraction with his hovering, and she needs to focus on Angelus.
*The ice is thin come on dive in
Underneath my lucid skin, the cold is lost, forgotten
Hours pass, days pass, time stands still
Light gets dark and darkness fills my secret heart forbidden*
Angelus. She should feel only repulsed by the demon. She does feel hatred, a hatred so deep it threatens to consume her. For what he did to her and Angel, to Miss Calendar-even Drusilla. But down in the dark recesses of her soul she holds a secret that can never be revealed. She still wants him. Wants him as Angelus. During their confrontations, her body threatens to betray her at every turn. Her nipples harden and her panties become damp with evidence of her lust. She fears that he will smell her desire so she distracts him with smartass remarks. It terrifies her, this loss of control. She knows that if Angelus were to show her a moment of tenderness she would be lost forever.
*I think you worried for me then the subtle ways that I'd give
in
But I know you liked the show
Tied down to this bed of shame you tried to move around the pain
But oh, your soul is anchored*
She can feel that he still wants her. His lust is a palpable thing, she can almost touch it. He tries to hide behind words meant to destroy her, but she can tell it is an act. She knows what she does to him, how he watches through her bedroom window. Sometimes, she is deliberately shameless, stripping for him and touching herself. Afterwards she is ashamed at how much she enjoys it. She tries to tell herself that she is doing this to torment him, but somehow her excuses ring hollow. Giles would be horrified at her actions. She feels as though she is betraying him, but she can't seem to stop.
Angel has been leaving her presents. No, not Angel. Angelus. Giles and Willow think that he is doing it to torture her. The small animals, the body parts. She knows that there is more to it than that. The gifts are his way of showing her that she still belongs to him, body and soul. No one understands, not even Willow, her best friend. The only person who might understand is Oz, but even then only during a full moon. She is completely alone in this. It is her duty to destroy Angel -Angelus, but how can she destroy part of herself?
* The only comfort is the moving of the river
You enter into me a lie upon your lips
Offer what you can, I'll take all that I can get
Only a fool's here*
She dreams of him each night. Her dreams always start the same way-their last night together. His kisses on her skin. Whispered promises of love. The quick, sharp pain as he entered her and the feeling of ecstasy that followed. The dreams shift focus then. Angel's beautiful face becomes demonic, his brown eyes glowing with yellow light. Their lovemaking becomes rough, savage. It's as though he wants to punish her, his fangs sinking into her breasts, her neck. She always wakes up sobbing. Not from terror. >From the realization that she has climaxed in her sleep and it is the second part of her dream that brought her there.
Sometimes, she imagines letting their next fight turn passionate. But she is not quite ready to die and that would be the only outcome if she allowed it to happen. His obsession is too twisted, his needs are too sadistic. She knows that he is beginning to lose control. She has seen evidence of his kills and there is very little left of the bodies. She overhears the other vampires talking about it. Spike is getting worried that Angelus will get them all dusted. Even though Spike has tried to kill her, she can't help enjoying their battles. Spike has a quick wit and his smartass banter is as good as hers. He helps take her mind off of Angel for a while. She knows he can walk but he won't admit it. He is saving it as a surprise for Angelus. He may be useful if things ever come to a head. It's only a matter of time.
*I don't like your tragic sighs as if your God has passed you
by
Hey fool, that's your deception
Your angels speak with jilted tongues, the serpents tale has come
undone
You have no strength to squander*
She knows it can't go on much longer. They are both spiraling out of control. She dreams again, but this one is different from the rest. It feels like one of her prophecy dreams. She is in a courtyard filled with wild, nocturnal flowers. There are fountains and candles flickering in the moonlight. Her long white dress trails the cobblestone floor as she moves fluidly through the statuary. The scent of jasmine fills the air, mingling with another, more familiar fragrance. Angel steps out of the shadows, his white shirt opened to the waist. They move closer, gliding effortlessly into each other's arms. Her hands slide through his hair, pulling his head down to meet hers. As their lips touch, he slips the gown from her shoulders. She runs her fingers across his chest, quickly removing his shirt. Soon, there is nothing between them except the cool night air. He deepens the kiss and she presses the length of her body to his. She wants to drink him in, like a cold mountain stream seeping into her pores. She lets out a cry and his name reverberates through the courtyard. He whispers that he's been waiting for her. He knew she would come- now they can be together. Forever. As his soft spoken words reach her ear, she feels the chains envelope her. They wind around the two of them, tightening until she can't breathe. Barbs sink into her flesh, the blood running in rivulets down her thighs.
With a gasp, she claws her way out of the dream. As she awakens, she can still feel the chains cutting into her skin. She throws back the covers, expecting to see blood drenched sheets. She has to stop this insanity from continuing. Her grip on reality is becoming more and more tenuous. She needs to break free of this obsession before it kills her. Before it destroys all that she holds dear. He gets closer each day, her resistance weaker. She must break free, she no longer has a choice. If she doesn't, the chains that bind them will drag her down into the depths of madness.
*The only comfort is the moving of the river
You enter into me a lie upon your lips
Offer what you can, I'll take all that I can get
Only a fool's here to stay, only a fool's here to stay,
Only a fool's here*
~Fin~
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