AUTHOR: Lex
EMAIL: alexisvc@earthlink.net
SPOILERS: "Lovers Walk"
RATING: R
SYNOPSIS: Do we really think Angel would have let her just walk away from him? From *them*? <snicker> No way. And remember, he's been re-invited into her house...
DISCLAIMER: Buffy and Crew do not belong to me. I'm not evil enough.
NOTES: Joss has so completely drained me of everything, I don't know if I even have any will left to live. I just can't handle any more angst! As always, thanks go to Tam for catching my stupid mistakes.
"You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love 'till it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other 'till it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains, children. It's blood; blood screaming inside you to work its will." ---Spike, "Lovers Walk"
"Tell me you don't love me."
The words lay between them, tangible in the still air.
She stood before him, amazingly calm for someone who was ripping out her own heart. And still he stared, unable to speak, to lie even for her sake. Buffy was right; they could lie to everyone except themselves. He loved her, and she loved him, and nothing would ever change that.
Angel stepped towards her, cold heart aching in his chest, desperate to envelope her in his arms, desperate to silence the words still lingering there. He died a bit more when she backed up a step, body tense, ready to flee like a cornered doe. With one more heartwrenching look, she turned and fled, tears finally tracing a silvered path down her cheeks.
He was left standing the in the hollow room, arms empty, soul throbbing with an agony so intense he didn't know if he could bear to go on for another second.
And then he threw back his head and howled until his throat was raw.
==========
Buffy left the mansion running, her mind in chaos, her body trembling from the sobs she forcibly held back, his howls of pain echoing through her. She ran, and ran and ran until her feet would no longer hold her and she crashed to the ground.
Dazed, she looked up, realizing that she was in a cemetery. It was Gate of Heaven, about four blocks from home. She shook her head, trying to clear it from the cloud of torment that surrounded her. Standing carefully, she made her way out of the graveyard. She was exhausted, both emotionally and physically, and all she wanted to do was die.
And as she looked up to see the vampires that had appeared out of nowhere to surround her, she realized that she just might get her wish after all.
The tallest and ugliest of the vampires stepped forward. "Well, well, well, Slayer, you look less scary without your boyfriend and his whelp here to protect you."
She rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Look, I have someplace to be, so could we bypass the witty repartee?"
With a snarl, the vampire lunged at her.
"Okay, I guess that answers my question," she said to herself as she flung him over her shoulder, tossing him into a bunch of his comrades. The fight was fast and fierce, and she though she had made it out mostly unscathed until another vampire emerged from the bushes to grab her. She screamed as his claws bit through her back, but she managed to throw him off, flinging him to the ground and staking him in one smooth motion.
She stood there for a moment and watched the dust swirl and eddy around her, absorbing the fragile silence of the night.
==========
Carefully, Buffy hauled herself through her bedroom window, unable to deal with the questions that would have come had she attempted to enter through the front door. But then she remembered, as she hit the floor, that Joyce was out of town at yet another conference.
//Shit. I could have walked in the front door after all.//
Her body ached -- she had been unprepared for that last vampire and he had taken it out on her hide. She winced as she tried to pull her shirt off, the dried blood making it difficult to yank away from her back.
And then familiar cool fingers were there, pulling the matted fabric away from her torn flesh. She gasped involuntarily. "How did you..."
"You invited me back in, remember?"
"Angel, we really shouldn't be doing this..." She tried to turn around, but he kept her still by his grip on her shoulders.
He ignored her softly spoken words, intent on stripping the stained clothes from her. All she had left on were her underwear and bra. "Run-in with a gang?"
"The rest of the crew we saw last night. They wanted to show their dislike of a vampire teaming up with the Slayer...and Spike was nowhere to be found. So I had to kill them -- ouch!" she exclaimed as he hit a particularly sore spot.
"I'm sorry," Angel whispered across the wound, brushing his lips against the abused skin. "Let me kiss it and make it better."
"No...oh god, Angel we can't! We *can't*," she wailed, turning around to face him. "This has got to end. I can't do this anymore, I can't think, I can't concentrate. It's driving me out of my mind."
He regarded her evenly. And then he shrugged. "Tell me you don't love me."
Buffy gasped as her own words came back to haunt her.
"Tell me you don't love me anymore. Tell me that everything you ever felt for me is gone. Tell me that you don't care whether I live or die. Tell me, Buffy. Just say the words and I'm gone."
She flinched, as though he had struck her across the face. "A-angel, I..."
"Say it."
"I...I..."
"Come on."
"But...but I..."
"Damn you," he shouted, "Say it! Finish it!"
"I CAN'T!!" she screamed, pushed beyond common sense. "I CAN'T SAY IT, DAMN YOU!!!" Pushing away from him, she stormed across the room. "I can't say it because it would be a lie." Her shoulders jerked as she emitted a humorless laugh. "It would be the biggest lie I ever told, because nothing, *nothing* could be further from the truth." Buffy glanced at him, waiting to see a smug look cross his face, but there was nothing but pain.
Withdrawing a stake from his back pocket, Angel stalked over to her. He grabbed her hand, placing the shred of wood in her palm. "Do me a favor, Buffy. Kill me. It will be kinder to me in the long run, because I've lived without you and I won't do it again." He spread his arms, exposing his chest to her.
She sucked in a breath, all the fury draining out of her. Throwing the stake to the ground, she hurled herself into his arms. Instinctively, his arms closed around her, lifting her off the ground, cradling her to his chest. The tears that had been threatening since she stepped in the room finally fell, soaking the both of them.
"I don't want to leave you...I don't think I can live without you," she sobbed, her fingers touching his face. He clutched her to him harder, trying to still her shaking body.
"Shh, shh, baby don't. Don't cry, it will be okay," he crooned, rocking her back and forth, "We'll be okay, you'll see."
Her breath hitched as she drew in some air, and he looked into her eyes. "No matter what, Buffy, I will always, always love you. Nothing will ever change that."
"Angel?" she questioned, her voice husky from the sobs clogging her throat.
"What, my love?"
"Hold me tonight? Just stay here and hold me? I don't think I could bear to see you go."
As he kissed her forehead, he whispered, "I'll hold you forever."
Walking over to the window, he made sure the curtain was drawn tightly to protect from the early morning sun, and then walked back to the bed, lying her down gently. Slowly, carefully, he removed the rest of her clothing, leaving her naked against the comforter. She cried out briefly from the loss of him, but settled down as soon as she realized he was just stripping himself to crawl into bed. Idly, she watched him, the sight of him igniting the same low burning it always had, but this time she tamped down her desire. She would deal with that later.
Once he finished undressing, he pulled back the heavy comforter and placed her beneath its warm folds. Then he climbed in behind her, drawing it over the both of them. He pulled her close, and she laid her head against the firm muscles of his chest.
He rested his head against the top of hers. "I...missed you like this...I can't bear being unable to touch you."
She was silent for a moment. "Angel, what are we going to do?"
He shook his head. "I don't know. But we'll find a way. We have to."
"I know." And then she kissed his chest, right above his heart, and snuggled deeper into his embrace.
And at least for a little while, all was right in her world.
THE END
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