AUTHOR: Ducks
EMAIL: slayinsage@buffymail.com
DISCLAIMER: Just think about this for a moment...
DISTRIBUTION: Take it! Just let me know. Of course, TNS has free reign...
CATEGORY: B/A Angst, Kate Issues...
SPOILERS: "Lonely Hearts" (Angel)
RATING: NC-17 Just in case...Sexuality not explicit, but... ;)
SUMMARY: Angel shows up at Buffy's dorm, driven by an encounter with Kate.
This story is an apology, of sorts, to all those A/B friends of mine who are so angry that I don't hate Kate. I hope to portray a little, here, what I think Kate might be like... It's okay not to want her and Angel to get romantically involved, but I think it's important we keep an open mind to other important roles she might play in his life...
This is also an answer to a challenge by a friend of mine, to write angst, fluff, and sex into a B/A reunion story having to do with Kate. Ta da!
He stood outside the dorm's front door and stared dumbly at the sign carved in stone over his head: "Stevenson Hall".
She was up there, somewhere, in the brightly lit rooms above him. There were a million ways he could find out where she was... but he couldn't get in. He had braved the late afternoon sun to get here, and now he was stuck standing outside the entrance, forbidden to enter.
He had come all this way for nothing.
Okay, so, not nothing, exactly... in fact, everything... he had come to put everything back in its place. He had come back to Sunnydale for something more important to him than his own life...
Buffy.
But... it seemed the dorm was crawling with living human beings, all who called it home, and none of them knew, or cared, that he was locked out. He stood outside her universe, as he always had. No one wanted him to come in.
Would she, if she knew?
What had almost happened with Kate the previous night had been the final straw.
~~~Wavy Flashback Effects, Here~~~
Angel looked deeply into her striking blue eyes and wondered how such icy orbs could send a rush of heat through him like the one he was experiencing, now.
He could see that long-dead fire burning in her, too. It was what had drawn him to her, that first night they met, in that tacky L.A. meatmarket... Something in the sad way she smiled, or the defeated slouch that sometimes overcame her usually proud bearing told him that she was as lonely, as lost and disconnected from humanity somehow, as he. Maybe more so -- Kate didn't have the fact that she wasn't entirely human to shield her. Something in them had touched at that moment, and he had spent many dark hours debating with himself over what that meant,since.
And now they sat, face to face, only a foot or less between them.
"You're my friend, Angel. I care about you." She looked down, staring into the untouched tumbler of fine Irish Whiskey in her hand, "...more than maybe I wanted to... or should. And maybe I don't tell you, or show you enough... But I hope you that you uderstand..." She raised her teary eyes to him once again, and hesitantly reached out her warm hand to touch his cold one, "You are the only person I've ever known who I trusted, without question or reservation. I hope you know..."
Angel cut her off by kissing her softly.
The kiss lasted longer, and became harder... hungrier... than he'd meant it to. He'd wanted to let her know that he appreciated the gift of her friendship just as much... That she had nourished what tiny part of him that wasn't consumed by the chronic ache of missing Buffy... Now... it had become his desperate attempt to reach out -- one last chance that he was alive, still, without her.
He grabbed Kate and yanked her to him, clinging to her, smothering her with sobbing kisses.
'I don't need Buffy!' something inside him screamed, 'I'm fine, right here! My life means something without her!'
The realization was like cold water splashed over him. Angel gently pulled away from Kate, feeling the fire fade quickly as he opened his eyes.
It didn't. His life didn't mean anything, without Buffy. Even his affection for this, his dearest friend, who sat, confused, before him... It didn't hold a candle to the pain of being separated from Buffy. It ripped through him, every aching minute of every crawling day...
"I can't." He said, softly. "I can't... be with you... this way. It's not right. I'm sorry." He faced her bravely, knowing this moment of painful truth would save them both a more crippling pain, in the future.
Her eyes were clear as she looked at him.
"I don't love you, Kate." He went on, still holding her hand, "I care about you. You mean more to me than you know. I want you to be happy, and I can't give you what you really deserve. It's not mine to give anymore..."
His speech sent a thrill through her, despite the fact that it wasn't exactly in her favor. Just the knowledge, this incredible proof that love like that really did exist, and that she actually knew a man who could feel that way gave her as much joy as it might had he been saying it about her...
"And what's that?" She had to ask... had to hear him say the rest...
'For closure.' She told herself.
"My heart." Angel said, laying his free hand over the offending organ, "My heart... my soul... belong to Buffy."
Kate realized it must look incredibly stupid, but she had to smile.
"Thank you." She said, looking again into her friend's eyes, "For your honesty." She rose, claiming her jacket from the coat rack. She stood in the elevator, looking out at him through the open gate.
"I'll see you later." She said, as she always did, and slammed it shut, as she always did. Nothing had changed, between them.
Angel and Kate watched one another, as the elevator took her up and away, into the morning sun.
He didn't go, right then. It took most of the day for what he had said... the true depth of meaning in what he told Kate... to set in. But when it did, it hit him like a bolt of lightning.
Buffy.
~~~End Flashback~~~
Now he was standing here, skulking in the bushes below her window... trapped, outside, as he'd always been, with her.
"Angel?" The surprised little voice made his head snap up so hard he was certain he'd pulled something. The adorable redhead practically bolted away from her little group of friends, and was in his arms for a crushing hug before his brain had finished wrapping itself around her name.
"Willow!" He said, hugging her back.
"What are you doing here?" She asked excitedly, then, pulling away, suddenly gasped, "Does Buffy know you're here?" She was worried, frankly, at Angel's stalking and what it might mean...
"No...I..." He looked up at the higher floors of the building in front of them, "I just wanted to see how she was..."
Willow felt bad for him. But she was also not the one who had to decide if it was okay for him to be there... She couldn't reassure him that he was welcome. That was Buffy's job to do... or not. Willow couldn't be the one to invite him in.
But Buffy wouldn't have the chance to decide, if she didn't even know he was here...
"Hold on, I'll call up." Willow offered, thinking it still sounded rude, and probably hurt his feelings...
But Angel smiled happily, as if it were more than he ever expected, "Would you? Willow... thanks..." His heartfelt sincerity was clear in his voice.
She shrugged and joke-punched him, unable to cope with the desperate look of gratitude on his handsome face, "Hey... I'd say I owe you, for all the times you saved my life." She trotted quickly over to the Safe-Entry phone, and punched in her room number.
Angel watched her from his seat on the stone bench near the path. He knew Willow was going out on a limb for him, again... But he also knew how much Buffy's happiness really meant to her... So he trusted her judgment in the matter.
He only hoped Buffy did, too...
*****
She hung up the phone and stood there, frozen. She was terrified... and exhilarated...
Angel was there. To see her.
She moved automatically to the mirror and checked the details of the image within: no hair sticking up, no pen on face, makeup firmly in place, no spinach in teeth...
Good enough.
Buffy slid on her sneakers and grabbed her warmest giant navy sweatshirt, yanking it over her shoulders, but careful not to dislodge her scrunchie, and subsequently, her ponytail.
The elevator ride was annoying... bright and noisy through the haze that surrounded her... But she didn't trust herself to be able to take the stairs, either, the way her knees were shaking...
'Angel is here. To see me.'
She saw him through the glass doors in the main lounge, smiling as he chatted in the moonlight with Willow.
The moment the elevator doors dinged shut behind her, he turned to look in her direction. His smile grew... spread across his face like a beautiful wildfire. He didn't bother to explain as he turned fully away from Willow and took five long strides toward the door... He leaned his palms flat against the glass, smiling at her, only inches away...
He was so beautiful... and so sweet... like a puppy... a demon-puppy, panting in the store window...
The desire, and the ability, to move returned to Buffy again, and she used them to cross the lobby, shoving the inside doors open and plowing through without hesitation. When she reached the second set, she paused, looking up at him and into his big brown eyes, as she placed her own palms against the glass, flush with his.
She could feel him through the glass, as if no solid barrier stood between them at all...
They stared at each other like that, for a long time. Willow stood for a moment, watching with a wistful smile on her lips. She didn't think she had ever seen anything so beautiful...
She decided that now was a good time to make a graceful exit. She turned and continued down the sidewalk toward her original destination, the library. Angel swore he could feel Buffy's warmth through the glass... he could hear her heartbeat... feel her breath as it misted the space between them...
"I love you." He said, knowing she probably couldn't hear him from inside. But Buffy heard him perfectly, in her heart...
She pulled out her deadbolt key and threw the lock... Something within her was set free at the sound, and she swung open the door for him, looking deeply into his eyes once again.
"I would like for you to come in." She said, making sure there was no mistake what she meant...
It took less than a second for him to cross the threshold and take her into his arms.
It was like holding Heaven.
"I love you." He said, again, but this time into her soft ear.
"I love you too." She said...
*****
They told one another everything, sitting there, sharing a grape soda on the tacky plastic sofas in the lounge. No boys on Buffy's floor after 10 p.m. But it didn't really matter... no one bothered them there, in the farthest, darkest corner.
"I did something really stupid." She said, after a while...looking down at her hands and then guiltily up at him again, "I don't know how to tell you..."
He met her gaze squarely, "Just tell me. No games, remember?"
Buffy nodded. "I met this guy... Parker. I was... he was nice to me. He made me feel special when no one else seemed to want me around anymore... No one needed me... Willow and Oz... Xander... Cordy... Giles." She sighed softly,"...You... And he... I thought Parker cared about me. And I... I..."
"You slept with him." Angel finished for her, his voice neutral.
"Yeah..." She said vaguely, wondering why he didn't seem to care.
"And then he didn't call you. You tracked him down, and he made you think it didn't mean anything... He blew you off." He mumbled.
This was all beginning to ring bells better forgotten about, in Buffy's opinion. Too familiar... in a bad way.
"Oh god!" She gasped, "Do you think this is... a thing, for me? A pattern? Do I do this to men?"
He stared at her, unsure how to answer. They sat in awkward silence and listened to the minutes tick by. He counted the time by her shallow, pained breaths... And thought about the painful foundation he had cursed her sexuality with...
"I felt cheap." She said, suddenly, as if she heard his thoughts..."Used. Like I wasted something... Gave something really important away without caring to who. It wasn't that way, with you. What happened after...it... That wasn't you. When you and I made love, it was beautiful."
He looked up at her, shocked, and watched a single tear drop out of her eye and roll lazily down her soft cheek. He reached out and stopped it with his finger, touching the salty tip to his lips. He opened his eyes, and looked at her once again.
"We all make mistakes, Buffy." He said, "We all do things we would take back, if given the chance..." He slowly moved closer to her, until his lips were bare moments from hers, "And, as horrible and selfish as it might sound, considering what came after... I would never take back the night we were together... or any night before... or any night after..."
When their lips touched, the sky seemed to rip open inside him and rain fire down on his cold body. This was not what kissing Kate had felt like. It was the difference between putting your lips on a salt lick, and putting those same lips on ice cream...
And what he felt course through him was a different hunger... Still desperate, in its soft way... The way he felt the desire to be closer still to Buffy blazing through him, leaving him waiting and thrilled to turn to dust right in that perfect moment...
And Buffy felt months... years... of longing pain, of confusion, of isolation... That sensation of being always lost, was suddenly just gone at his touch.
'Yes...' Her mind and heart, her body and soul, all agreed at once... But then he was pulling away...
"Wait. There's... I should tell you something." He said, his voice barely a whisper.
Buffy blinked, surprised and dismayed at the interruption.
"What?"
"There... I was... almost..."
"Were you with someone, Angel? Kate?"
He shook his head. "No. I couldn't... But... Almost. That's why I came tonight. I just knew..."
"You want to be with me." Buffy said, letting the statement fill her...
Angel nodded. "Yes."
She gulped. This was a moment she was utterly unprepared for. She had never even been able to daydream about it, it was so far off the possibility scale. She looked down at her hand, at the one ring she never took off... the one that got stuck and creased her finger when she was bloated from eating too many potato chips... The one that always got tangled in her hair in the shower... the silver one, with the heart pointing in.
He noticed it to, and moved his hand so the same piece of jewelry was clear on its finger... heart pointing in.
"I loved you the minute I beat the crap out of you in the alley outside the Bronze." She said.
He smiled softly. "I loved you the first time I saw you eat a lollipop."
Buffy shot him a look, and punched him in the arm.
"Ow! What?"
"Did you hear what you just said?"
"I meant the first time I saw you outside your school! The day you were Called!" He said, his face hurt...innocent.
Buffy blushed. "Oh. I'm... oh, I'm sorry... I'm so stupid... I thought you meant..." She looked up at him bashfully. It was hard to remember that he wasn't a cheesy frat boy, out for a good time.
Angel didn't resist the urge to gather Buffy back into his arms.
*****
He nuzzled the soft skin of her flat belly, tracing circles around its various curves. Buffy sighed from deep within her.
"You're sure..." he said, pressing his lips softly in a line of kisses up her hipbone.
"Yes. Sure." She gasped.
Angel sat up a little more, ending his attentions. "Buffy, I'm serious. You're absolutely certain it's safe..."
She looked at him for a long moment.
"Angel. I. Am. Sure. You're bound. Now, shut up and kiss me."
He smiled broadly and slid his body up the length of hers, so they were once again face to face. He softly touched her cheek, taking his time to look at her... to feel her...
Angel loved the way her body tensed, then relaxed, each time he touched it.
"I've thought about this..."He said, taking a deep, unneeded breath, "Every moment for a hundred years..." He traced his way down her chest and back to her mouth, trailing his fingertip gently around her lips, "Even when I lost my own name, I could still see your face..."
He leaned down and kissed that face, moving his weight so that he was above her, still looking into her eyes.
"There's no going back, after this..." he warned in a hollow tone, reminding her of all that could happen if her information was incorrect, and they continued...
Buffy shifted her weight, wrapping her legs around him and drawing him down on to her, and into her, in a single motion. Angel sighed, nuzzling her neck, and thrust slowly into her, gasping.
She bit her lip, and waited for her breathing to even and the room to stop spinning.
"There never was any going back..." She whispered in his ear.
THE END
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